The Overly-Opinionated Under-Informed Bandwagoning Cowboy Fan

[The Overly-Opinionated Under-Informed Bandwagoning Cowboys Fan appears following all Cowboy wins throughout the NFL season. As a periodic Cowboys fan (redundant?), The Overly-Opinionated Under-Informed Bandwagoning Cowboys Fan will chronicle the ups and ignore the downs of the Dallas Cowboys season. His ignorance, hoot'n 'n holler'n, accidental and complete loss of dignity, large hat, and eventual divorce is your gain. Enjoy!]

Last Monday, the Dallas Cowboys won the tenth game of their season by a score of a 14-10 over the Washington Redskins. Their record currently stands at 6-4.

YEE HAW! I'LL TELL YA WHAT, DER AIN'T NO TEAM LIKE THE DALLAS COWBOYS! YEEEEAAAAWWWW!! TONY ROMO! DAT DER BE DA BEST QUATABACK IN DE NATIONAL FOOTBAWL LEEEG! DID YA SEE THAT CHICK HE'S DOIN? DAT DERS ONE HOT PIECE OF VAG! I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, I'D PICK DAT DER CHICK UP 'N DO DA MOMMY 'N DADDY DANCE AGAINST THE HOOD AMA FIREBIRD!* DEN WE'D GO INTO MA MOBIL HOME, I'D COOK US UP SOME TV DINNERS (MMM, MMM, GOOD!) AND DEN WE'D DO IT LIKE DOGGIES BEHIND DA KITCHENETTE!!! I'D TEAR DAT DRESS OFFA HER AND LICK THOSE [deleted by network] AND SWALLOW ALL DAT SHIT!!

HOWBOUTDEMCOWBOYS!!?!?!?!?!?

[The Overly Opinionated Under-Informed Bandwagoning Cowboys Fan's opinions are his own and although they likely reflect the opinions of Cowboys fans as a whole, they do not necessarily reflect the opinions of Toooast!!! authors, blogger.com, or our sponsor, The National Football League, whose fabulous football games help make people happy. Remember, the Dallas Cowboys are wonderful, and you can follow just about all their games on national television pretty much every week. Yay!]

*could have also been Dodge Dart, Dodge Sprint, or Plymouth Reliant

NFL Notes: Redskins Shit Where They Eat, Eagles Kiss Sister

Eagles tie Bengals: Its been six years since there was a tie in the NFL, which means we've had six merciful years since we had to hear the old adage about making out with your sister. For those of you who somehow missed this, it goes thusly: a tie is like kissing your sister. The often unstated assumption is that kissing your sister is enjoyable and better than not kissing someone at all. But, she is your sister, so its kinda weird, and not as good as kissing someone who isn't your sister or a member of your immediate family, or a pet, or deceased.

If you ask me, the whole thing is more than a little disgusting (i.e. its disgusting). You rarely hear mainstream media types talk about incest, but for some (incredibly odd) reason the rare NFL tie is a time when airing odd sexual fetishes on air is not a problem. Is this statement so clever and hilarious as to warrant inclusion during all mentions of the game? Lets hope not.

Cowboys beat Redskins: For the second year in a row the Redskins had a chance to destroy the playoff hopes of a rival divisional opponent, and for the second year in a row they failed. Week three of last season brought a home game against the 0-2 New York Giants. Saying the Giants were in turmoil is putting it lightly. Calls for head coach Tom Coughlin's head, and not his firing, but his actual head, were prevalent in the media and the fan base. One more loss and Coughlin would have been strung up, drawn, quartered, and then fired, and the Giants season would have went down the tube.

The Redskins dominated the first half, and went into half time leading by something like 20-3 (I'm too lazy to look up the exact amount). Then they collapsed in the second half, blew the lead, and then blew two shots to tie from the 1 yard line at the end of the game. The Giants went on the win the Superbowl.

Last night the Redskins faced a Cowboys team in slightly less turmoil, but still reeling after losing two out of three without Tony Homo* at the helm. The Skins held the Cowboys to 14 points, but managed to hold themselves to 10 points. What would have effectively been a three game edge on the Cowboys with six games to go is now a tie. Shit.

*Not that there's anything wrong with that.

RIP FJM

Since the dawn of time, man has struggled to speak and write intelligently about sports. Many, indeed most, have failed spectacularly. Fire Joe Morgan.com not only pointed out the idiocy masquerading as serious sports journalism, but they did it in a way that was hilarious.

I'm a bit late to the party, but with the recent departure of FJM, I thought it would be appropriate to pay my respects. In that vein, here are ten things that I learned from reading Fire Joe Morgan:

1. VORP does not stand for Vagina Orangutan Retarded Poop

2. David Eckstein, despite containing over 120% ecksteinium, is not very good at baseball.

3. Sportswriters have an odd fascination with food metaphors.

4. Mose Schrute is the coolest.

5. Joe Morgan is an endless source of comedy and I will be sad if he leaves.

6. Red Sox fans aren't as bad as everyone says.

7. Made up words (Fremulon, Gallimaufry) can be hilarious.

8. Bill Plaschke

is

a

talentless

hack

9. There is apparently no intellectual requirement to write about sports for a major newspaper or media outlet.

10. Joe Morgan should absolutely be fired. Immediately. No questions asked.

Caps Crap, Vol. 1

With Wednesday's 5-1 annihilation of the Carolina Hurricanes* the Washington Capitals took over full possession of first place in the ultra-competitive media beehive that is the NHL's Southeastern Division (Motto: A-Rod Couldn't Hack It Here). The Caps are two points ahead of Carolina (question I've always wanted to ask: which one?) with a game in one hand and a big ol' belt in the other. And because of the semi-lucid playoff ordering that the NHL adheres to, although they are tied for fifth in the conference, they are third in the conference. Sayeth the Plaschke Paragraph:

Genius!

The Caps beat the Canes in DC on two goals by Your NHL Scoring Leader, Alexander Semin, with two minutes left to play one week ago. Wednesday was the rematch, with the teams both tied for first at 18 points. The game was in Carolina (again, where is that exactly?) and the Caps played their best 60 minutes of hockey this season.

Sure, there are bigger fish to fry than the Canes (Crosby?), but that can be saved for later.

One thing that held the Caps back last season, at least somewhat, was a very slow start. The Caps were hoping to make the playoffs, but were garbage about one third of the way through the season. They fired their coach, and brought in the NHL equivalent of Lou Brown to coach. From there they went on a bikini removing streak to just sneak into the playoffs where they got bounced by the Philadelphia Phukers in Phseven Phgames. This season with a 9-4 start and the lead in the Southeast Division, that kind of chicanery, shenanigans, and/or ballyhoo won't be necessary.

__
*Is there a more insensitive name in pro sports that does not relate to Native Americans**? How about the New Orleans Flood? Or the Oklahoma Locust Plague? Or the Los Angeles Plastic Surgery Complications? Team names are supposed to relate to a positive part of an area, not a potential life threatening risk to living there.

**By which I mean Mormons.

And now, a Special Redskins Comment

I now hate the Redskins. It's official. At 3:45 pm CST, Friday, November 7, 2008, the Redskins died for me.

As I pored over some news headlines, the followong line lept off the page and ignited mine eyes with a burning pain and skull-melting sensation I had not felt since the Sean Avery debacle. This news, like the Avery signing, will serve to destroy the season of my team and render them, for lack of a better term, completely impotent and a national disgrace.

"Redskins sign former Raiders CB Hall."

And thus, what had previously looked like a heartwarming season - a season of surprising development of a young quarterback; a season of league dominance by a running back who defies categorization and shuns tackles with equal aplomb; and the presence of a coach who has clearly grabbed a community by the scruff and caused them to once again have pride in their Redskins - is washed down the drain in a move that would make Jerry Jones proud.*

It is all gone now. Gone in the flash of a pen and a misguided phone call.

And for what? For a cornerback whose mouth and ignoble behavior far exceed his production on the field, where it actually matters.

The Associated Press has described him thusly, and I quote, "In his eight games in Oakland, Hall was beaten 40 times for 552 yards on 66 passes thrown his way, according to data compiled by STATS. He gave up more yards than any defender this season and was tied for third worst in catches allowed."

Mr. Snyder, sir, how can you now look at your ticket holders, many of whom held this year's team in higher regard than they could have hoped, and tell them honestly that their team is now better?

Mr. Snyder, sir, we ask you - no, we IMPLORE you, - to correct this dishonorable deed and return our once proud team to the noble post it so recently held. DeAngelo Hall does not belong here.

Please sir, for once, do what is right. Not only for current fans, but for their children and the legions of potential Redskins fans that may or may not succeed them.

Think of the children, sir. The choice is yours.

*I was 100% sure that Hall would end up in Dallas. He HAD to. It would've been perfect!

The Reactionary Redskins Fan: Week Nine

[The Reactionary Redskins Fan appears weekly throughout the NFL season. As a lifelong Redskins fan, mattymatty will chronicle the ups and downs of the Washington Redskins' season. His pain, swearing, loss of dignity, accidental defecation, and eventual divorce is your gain. Enjoy!]

Last Monday, the Washington Redskins lost the ninth game of their season to the Pittsburgh Shitfucks by a score of a billion to negative a billion. Their record currently stands at 6-3.

THERE'S NO FUCKING WAY THAT WAS THE WASHINGTON REDSKINS ON THAT SHITHOLE OF A FIELD ON MONDAY FUCKING NIGHT! NO FUCKING WAY! IT MUST HAVE BEEN THE LEFT OVER TURD FROM A GEIGH-ASAURAS OR A BUNCH OF DUMB FUCKING FRAT BITCHES LOOKING FOR AN EXCUSE TO RUN BACK TO THE LOCKER ROOM AND CARESS EACH OTHERS EAGER QUIVERING GENITALS!

WHAT I'M SAYING: WE'RE FUCKING DOOMED! DOOMED, GODDAMMIT! CAN NOBODY FUCKING PLAY THIS STUPID GAME? MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST CHANGE THE WASHINGTON REDSKINS FROM A PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL TEAM TO A KNITTING CLUB! EVERYONE CAN SIT AROUND ON SUNDAY AFTERNOONS, KNIT SOME FUCKING BABY CLOTHES AND TALK ABOUT THE FUCKING PROBLEMS WITH THEIR FUCKING VAGINAS! HOW ARE YOUR FUCKING VAGINAS, FUCKHEADS?! HUH?!??!

AND CARLOS FUCKING ROGERS! WHAT THE FUCK? I GUESS I CAN'T GET MAD AT DUDE FOR DROPPING WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN HIS SIXTH INTERCEPTION OF THE SEASON, ON ACCOUNT OF HAVING THAT OPERATION TO REPLACE HIS HANDS WITH USED TAMPONS! WAIT! HE NEVER HAD THAT OPERATION? THEN WHAT THE FUCK!! GODDAMMIT!!! ROGERS COULDN'T CATCH A FOOTBALL IF YOU STAPLED IT TO HIS FUCKING FACE! (NOTE TO OPPOSING QBS: PLEASE STAPLE THE FOOTBALL TO CARLOS ROGERS' FUCKING FACE.)

THANK GOD FOR FUCKING BYE WEEKS! I'M GOING TO DALLAS TO DRINK HEAVILY.. HOLY SHIT!!

[The Reactionary Redskins Fan's opinions are his own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of other Toooast!!! authors, blogger.com, or our sponsor, Shit Eaters Anonymous, whose fabulous programs help make people happy. Remember people, don't eat that yummy yummy yummy shit you found on the ground! No! Don't... mmmmmm..yumyumyumyumyum.]

Cowboys Broadcasters: "Move Along, There's Nothing to See Here..."

Cowboys vs. Giants, Sunday, Nov. 1: Cowboys' first offensive possession of the second half. Brooks Bollinger has just replaced the horrifically ineffective Brad Johnson. I'm in the car with my wife* at Dunkin Donuts getting some coffee and we're listening to the game on the Cowboys' Dallas flagship station, KDBN.

"Bollinger back to pass... he pumps... intercepted."

What? What the jolly turds just happened?

With the benefit of televised highlights I would view later, I now know Bollinger threw a half-speed, side-armed goatball directly to a Giants defender over the middle. It was possibly the most hilariously poor pass in the history of the NFL that was not thrown by (1) Aaron Brooks, (2) Jake Plummer, or (3) Garo Yepremian.

*Just wait a couple days, will ya. We got our license...

With the score 21-7 Giants, we arrive at the jewelry store to pick up our wedding bands. About 10 minutes later we return to the car for an approximate 30-minute drive home, and just as we start the car, the Cowboys offense has just taken possession and Bollinger is about to throw his second-ever pass in a Cowboys uniform.

"Bollinger back to pass... Looking... mmffllldd."

Oh, I recognize that call -- it's another interception! At this point I start laughing uncontrollably -- the legendary, iconic Cowboys broadcaster Brad Sham is literally refusing to describe this game!

Shortly I realize I haven't heard the score of the game since leaving the jewelry store, and I'm wondering if it's still 21-7. The game goes to a commercial break and returns, and Sham still hasn't read the score. We're now two thirds of the way home, the Giants are plowing down the field, and I still don't know the score.

Brandon Jacobs takes a handoff and bowls through the Cowboys front seven, and Sham describes his forage through the secondary so halfheartedly that I don't even know how far Jacobs has run -- I'm hoping he's gone in for a touchdown, if only because Sham might be compelled to tell us the score then.

The Cowboys pitiful defense recedes over the goal line a couple plays later and Sham is finally compelled to read the score: It's 35-7 Giants now.

Ah, but the Cow Homer hijinks are only just starting!

By the time we arrived home, the producer of the broadcast had joined Sham in trying to pretend this massacre wasn't actually transpiring. Two separate times, a commercial was broadcast during the game action. Mind you, not during the broadcast -- during the game. Like, you can hear pads crashing together and the crowd cheering and the ref's whistle blowing in the background, while in the foreground you're hearing a commercial for some godforsaken mortgage lender.*

And remember, we were listening to the Cowboys' flagship station in Dallas, not some 7000-watt outfit broadcasting out of a shack in Gun Barrel City. (Peep Gun Barrel City's gaybasher-sabotaged wiki page here.)

*The housing market is still widely intact in Texas. "Because Texans are stupid and hate black people" isn't the only reason this state will vote Republican today.

Look, I know broadcasters are retained and paid by the teams whose games they broadcast, but they have some semblance of responsiblity to inform the listeners what's happening in the game, even if their team is getting pummeled to teensy weensy pieces. Especially with the advent of satellite radio, plenty of people are listening to these games because they simply want to listen to a football game, not because they've accepted the Dallas Cowboys as their own personal savior and can't possibly cope with the prospect that they might lose.

Over two years ago Snizza first pointed out to me that Sham has a tendency to, shall we say, grossly neglect his job responsibilities when things aren't going well for the Cowboys. But with a 13-4 season last year, and being out of town for two of the losses and watching the other two on TV, I didn't happen to catch any evidence of it.

Well, I finally got a good gander at it on Sunday, and it's preposterously bush-league. I know it's hard to imagine, but Dallas Cowboys, Inc., has proven to be even more shit-filled than I had imagined before I moved here.

He's got an appropriate name, a face for radio, and Parcells-caliber man-boobs. And now he gots Tha Nutz.


Just go ahead and put 'em in your mouth, Sham. You're going to have a lot more Dallas Cowboys football to refuse to describe this season.

.